20 self portraits from 1996, day 18

(Previous days: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

Day 18:
September 3, 1996
I still have the chest of drawers in the upper left corner.

What I really miss, however, is beyond my feet: the walk-in closet. I don't think I've had one since I lived there the second time for a few months in 2000. Having had one during my formative years has eternally biased me, I think. I am probably one of the sloppiest dressers you'll encounter: loose t-shirts, jeans, cargo pants; but I'd love to have a full out dressing room like Holly Hunter's competition for William Hurt in Broadcast News has. Or for a more current reference, like the one Mr. Big has made for Carrie in the Sex and the City movie, but bigger.

Part of me is ready for a new look, or perhaps a revised look. The largest t-shirts are all sitting on a shelf out of circulation these days, for example. I keep them because they're from films I worked on, concerts, and so forth: irreplaceable. Stacey, Clinton, Trinny, and Susannah would not approve of the wasted closet space.

For the longest time, there's been a divide between good adult clothes and everyday wear in my head. Like some things are too good to wear if it's not for work or some occasion. That thinking contributes to a mental divide.

In any case, I'm developing an image of a wardrobe I'd like to acquire. Think Bette from The L-Word, but with less sleeveless, halter? tops. So rockin' slacks, jackets...some kind of shirt. What? It's a mental work in progress. Besides, even when I know what I want clothes-wise, I'm rarely able to find it.

Hmm, I just remembered a pair of fairly awesome slacks I have that I wore to my college graduation. They are, of course, on the "good" side of my closet that I rarely slide the doors over to see. I wonder if they still fit. No pockets though, if I recall, which is problematic for a non-purse-carrier such as myself.

The flip side of acquiring a new look is how often of late I've heard the message "be true to yourself," from so many varied sources as to be uncanny. Even in the action/drama anime series Bleach that I watch, one character recently told another that it was "essential" that she be herself instead of wanting to be someone else. I love clothes that are comfortable. Why deny that to achieve some look that will make me better fit into society?

The catch is how you define comfortable, I reckon. If it's characterized by complacency and fear, then it's no good. Revision is the way to go I think. Avoid augmenting unflattering choices a la What Not To Wear, but pick stuff I still really like. Too bad I have such little patience for clothes shopping with visions of items I either can't find or can't afford. I wish Chala lived on this side of the country; she's a masterful shopper. I'd have to be strong to...I was going to say, "keep my agenda prominent," but I don't regret anything I've bought while out with Chala. Also, I have a better idea of what I want so I think I'd make stronger choices now instead of deferring to her savvy.

I can do this.

If I can just make myself tolerate stores and lots of looking without seeing what I want.

Damn, it's after 1. The carpenter and painters will be here again in five and a half to six hours, banging away and making all sorts of racket, so I should try to get to bed.


A year ago on TTaT: Rhubarb!