11 March 2006

Shake it off

Yesterday I left my computer off, checked out a new Target, learned more hieroglyphs, lost a game of Scrabble, and cursed the SciFi channel's decision to put Battlestar Galactica on hiatus until OCTOBER after last night's season finale. As for Stargate: SG1 and Atlantis, they will return in July, but let me say I hate season finale cliffhangers.

Dr. Who starts next week on SciFi, so that's something. Well, mainly it lets my brother off the hook after promising for over a year to burn me dvds of the new British episodes.

I was going to say that I wasn't really feeling any better today, but after writing a bit, my mood is somewhat improved. A commitment to believing I'll feel better is often step one in shaking off a dark mood, if it's one that's possible to shake off.

In this case, the disheartening mood thrust a bunch of petty reasons forth as answers to why I blog. Actually, it was worse in a way because it took sincere hopes to extremes with envy and discontent transforming them into petty desires. When I started blogging, I wanted to see how I would fare when I shared my work and then maybe find some purpose and direction according to the result. I didn't have any hit count or number of regulars in mind, but as a regular reader of many blogs, it's hard for me to ignore the benchmarks other bloggers have achieved in less time that I've yet to reach. That's when it starts to feel personal, like a confirmation of my failure fears. How pathetic, ungracious, and self-indulgent.

I'm grateful for all the readers who do spend some of their precious time here. That you consider it worth your time means a lot to me. If all the people I've encountered throughout my lifetime have taught me anything, it's that most of them do not get when I'm joking or appreciate a regular dose of existential angst; you guys must be cool.

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7 comments :

  1. you're cool too, claire. i have to say, i most enjoy the way you tell stories on this blog. current events, books, photos and movies are great, but in my moments of boredom when i go through my list of links looking for something interesting to read, when i click on TTaT, i'm hoping for one of your stories or anecdotes from years past.

    but whatever it is you're posting, keep up the good work :)

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  2. Blogging is one of the last places left where you don't have to feel envy or anything like that. There really are no benchmarks. How many of us are getting one penny for doing this? I love the way you use your blog to express yourself. If you want a bigger readership, it's pretty easy to do. Write about sex or show photos of Lindsay Lohan. I think it's better to be true to yourself, enjoy what you're writing about and try to nourish a few strong relationships with people online.

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  3. Thanks, Sara. Figures you'd like the posts that, you know, take effort. ;) I'll see what I can do this week.

    Neil: Hmm. Blogging seems full of benchmarks to me- they need not be monetary. Otherwise, why would people bother to post that they'd reached 5000; 10,000; or 100,000 hits? Why point out that a year or 2 or 5 has elapsed since you started blogging? These are accomplishments even if they aren't tremendously meaningful in the grand scheme.

    I do agree that it shouldn't matter, and it's ultimately more important to stay true to myself, my vision or whatever essence is unique to me, rather than sell out for... well, really nothing but hits and perhaps loose praise.

    I think it just gets to me more because I'm out of work and don't know what to do with my life, so issues of success and achievement are often lurking in the background.

    Thanks for the support.

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  4. i for one am glad you blog and that i get to use some of my precious time reading your thoughts. i know what you mean about benchmarks and i try to not get too caught up in that. . .

    you are way cool claire. :)

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  5. thanks Sizz. In my present good mood, let me also say that I'm laughing because I'm such a sucker for being called cool. Sometimes I am actually easy to please. ;)

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  6. Thanks! You're one of my must-reads, when only I get time off (like now, middle of the night, should be sleeping...)!

    So many blogs have so many more hits than me, I was starting to worry, but then I thought I've got a smaller, but more intelligent bunch of bluddies stopping by :)

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  7. Scholiast: I think that's a very good way to look at it. I don't particularly care for mindless chitchat in life, so why would I want my blog overrun with it?

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