If there were three options in front of her- easy, medium and difficult- she’d ALWAYS choose the difficult way. . .or the fourth alternative, complete and utter inaction. It’s like: You can either take the elevator, walk up these 5 flights of stairs or scale the wall and she’ll say, “I’m gonna scale the wall.” And then get up half-way and just hang there not able to complete the climb but too stubborn to come down.My friend Splice would probably describe me the same way, but this morning I realized "the hard way" is a misnomer.* I know it's just a saying, but there is this sense from external points of view that it describes the most difficult course of action. To accomplishing what? It's difficult if I'm trying to achieve the goal you have in mind, but that's probably not the case.
Some people are like that. Maybe they are punishing themselves. Maybe they really are at a loss for seeing the clearer path. Maybe they prefer the hard way so that when they fail they can say, “But it was so hard!”
Inaction is always going to be easiest. Real, significant, personal change: the hardest. Will changing be better for me in the long run? Generally yes, but that doesn't make it "the easy way." I even know certain actions that would be best for me and still don't do them. It's irrational, but the obstacles are cumulative, so facing them one at a time is insufficient, and facing several at once to do something I don't want to in the first place is both intimidating and supremely unmotivating.
Sizzle also wrote:
I’ve had to contact mutual friends to find out if they’ve heard from her. When they say they have, it hurts my heart. Does she not want to talk to me? What did I do wrong? Why won’t she let me help? But those questions are likely the wrong questions and this situation is too convoluted to be watered down to a couple of simple inquiries. Sometimes you can’t be what someone you love needs. I need to face that fact.When someone expects great things from you, it's hard to stay in contact when you know you're disappointing her. It's also immensely difficult, if not impossible, to spur someone into action long distance. Unless they want to be spurred.
Helping someone take action takes persistence and understanding the obstacles s/he sees. During a visit to San Francisco, I stayed with a fairly new friend (FNF) who was displaying several markers of depression. We talked about it, and FNF agreed that she was depressed, but she didn't have the money or health insurance to deal with it. I went online, found mental health services subsidized by the city, gave her the number, and then kept after her until she called a couple of days later.
Splice later told me that she was amazed that our mutual friend had met with a psychiatrist because she'd been encouraging FNF to get help for depression for a couple of years. Splice may have gotten FNF to start thinking about it, but FNF didn't do anything about it until a course of action was persistently handed to her on a silver platter. Persistence alone may not be enough. Removing a couple of obstacles for someone and suggesting a clear next step when her thinking is convoluted can break the inertia of rest.
Why is it easier for me to do this for someone else than myself? Because I question what I care most about doing. I could give you a list of life goals, but I'm not really pursuing them which makes me ponder whether I really care about doing them in the first place. Other wants, I have, but I'd have to give them up to implement certain changes. There's nothing I want badly enough to incite personal change right now.
And yet, my theme for this year is The Sleeper Must Awaken.
I haven't forgotten.
*I don't claim to speak for Sizzle's friend whose situation differs from mine in at least a couple of significant ways. I'm just speaking for myself.
The hard way is a misnomer. For lack of a better term...what I meatn to imply was she does things in the most round about way. She constantly sets herself up for failure. I can see why she does this. Her father was very critical of her growing up (and to this day) and so she has this anxious to please attitude but simultaneously never believes she is good enough. For example: she signed up to do a triathlon a couple of years back. She had no bike (so she spent hundreds of dollars on one) and subsequently rode it three times. She had no access to a pool so she paid to join a gym (that she went to 5 times). She was totally out of shape but insisted she would run. She got winded going up the stairs. It all seemed like a lofty goal given the very short time she had to train (she signed up late of course). But this is how my friend is. And of course she never did do a triathlon and she later sold the bike and gave me her goggles. This is just one small example to how she is.
ReplyDeleteI want to see her succeed so she can feel proud of herself. I can't recall a time when she's felt that way about herself in a very, very long time. But it isn't up to me. I love her but I can't love her enough for both of us. People change when and if they want to.
What I meant to say somewhere in my post but forgot was that it's not so much the hard way as the least efficient way oft times. I.e. round about, just as you said.
ReplyDeleteYour post just got me thinking about how people use the phrase 'hard way' and how it has a lot to do with perception. External vs. one's own pov, the immediate vs. the bigger picture.
When it comes to me, I don't set myself up for failure in the sort of way you described, but I'm not fulfilling my potential either.
Your triathlon example reminds me of a bipolar friend of mine (though with less mania for your friend). She could be gungho for something for days, maybe weeks, but then she'd be on to something else or would be in a depressive crash. When she was manic, there was no stopping her even if I could see her actions (e.g., spending tons on someone's bday) would make her a mess a couple weeks down the line (when rent was due). She's doing quite well now for which I'm very grateful, but it took a long time to get there.
Retraining the brain takes a lot of effort.
"I want to see her succeed so she can feel proud of herself."
If only that were simple.
Setting goals is tough. For me, inciting personal change has always meant allowing myself to think bigger about my future than I ever have before -- then giving myself permission to change the trajectory of my life just a little bit. That gets you going in a new direction, but isn't so shocking that you can't handle the transition.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Thanks, Voix. Yours sounds like a very reasonable approach. In the past, I've been most successful at changing my life when I've gotten fed up and done something on whim. I take that back... most successful at changing my circumstances... that's not the same as internal change.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, this time I'm trying to take a more reasoned approach, but it puts me all in my head and psychs me out of actually starting. I need to remember that I can still change my course down the line, that decisions here need not be permanent. Not being a perfectionist would be helpful right about now... ;)