My brain's been in overdrive for a couple weeks. As of today, my holiday shopping is pretty much done, so that's something. There's still the fellowship (for aspiring artists) application though, and that's the bigger anxiety trigger. Having seen little bios of previous winners, I feel like it's a real long shot for me to win, so applying shouldn't be a big deal. However, when I convince myself I have a chance, that I could deserve it, I get stressed out with the particulars. Who can I get for references? What project should I pitch for the fellowship year? Writing or photography or both? Or something else entirely: lamps/furniture/sculpture? What should I submit? And their stupid PDF file won't let me type stuff in. Grr. Unfocused is not the way to win this.
It's almost funny because I was looking at a copy of an application I submitted for this same fellowship 10 years ago, and I only just a month ago started working on what I pitched back then. I'm sticking with almost funny rather than horribly depressing.
When I first finished grad school, it seemed inevitable that I would eventually win this fellowship offered by my undergrad alma mater. I'm not sure how many times I applied before (3-5?), but I've skipped several years recently with little in the way of good listy stuff to show for it, and now here we are at my last year of eligibility. Last chance long shot. No wonder 35 always seemed like such a weighty year to me.
It's stressing me out so much I feel like quitting, but I've got to see it through.
A year ago on TTaT: You've seen them