09 January 2013

Well...

...I would've been better off passing on lunch. Instead I had some tasty crab dip and the most hurtful thing anyone's said to my face in ages. Not the week for supportive sentiments it seems.

It was one of those situations where the person denies meaning what they've just said that's hurtful, and possibly really believes that. And yet, it's totally clear to everyone else they absolutely meant what they said. Say it with me people, "Denial."

I was done anyway and so hurt I just got up and left, holding back tears. Trying to say anything would have set me off.

There may be some truth to what she said, but it was in no way helpful. I am not inspired as some would be to prove her wrong; instead it made me feel useless and wonder what's the point?

I realized that she really has no respect for what I'm trying to build. I'm not doing things in the way she thinks I should be, so it's like I'm doing nothing at all.

It didn't help that my head was already full of negative thoughts this morning.

Whatevs. Back to work whether it's ineffectual or not.


3 years ago on TTaT: Long winter shadows

8 comments :

  1. I'm sorry that happened :(

    It's always the worst when they deny what they said was hurtful. I go through something similar whenever I talk to my grandma about my weight. She's always perplexed about why I haven't lost all the weight yet or why it's taking me so long and always says hurtful things about it but when I tell her that it was really rude/hurtful she denies that it is.

    It sucks but your work has meaning, even if people don't always (want to) see that.

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    1. Thanks, Sarah!

      I'm feeling much more zen about it now, but it really crushed me at lunch. It was my mom, so I can relate to the family members being less than ideal. Harder to shake off than other people. Sorry your grandma gives you a hard time!

      Amanda Palmer's been posting some great blogs on Bullying lately. Was reading some comments on the first one last night. The only downside is that I woke up today recalling every bully scenario I've experienced, a mix of angry and upset feelings which did not prime me for a good response later.

      But it was those same blogs that reminded me that people who lash out are in pain too. And from a Shirley MacLaine autobiography I read years ago, paraphrased, when you point your finger at someone else, you're pointing three at yourself. Anyway, it's helping me to find my equilibrium.

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    2. That is some very sage advice. It's sometimes hard to remember that those who are lashing out at you are also dealing with a lot of inner pain.

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    3. Not always easy to remember that everyone else has their own intricate back story and triggers, but it helps when you do.

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  2. That sounds terribly frustrating. I'm sorry. :(

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    1. Thanks, Vahid.

      It is, of course, like many things complicated. In my somewhat post-zen state today, I have resisted saying all the But, But, But's and You, You, You's that have come to mind. Which I guess is still pretty zen. I'm going with it.

      Yesterday I would call soul crushing. Today, it is frustrating because although she can and does dish it out, I know she cannot take it. Would not even recognize she had done the same thing if I were to reply in kind, and she'd take it VERY personally.

      But she also made me cookies a couple days ago and bought me some winter boots, so, you know, good things too. The downs tend to be unexpected and unpredictable.

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  3. That's terrible. I'm sorry. :(

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    1. Thanks, Sizz! See above for more deets, but it was weird because I didn't even know where to turn yesterday.

      Work and the internet it turns out. I appreciate you guys!

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