05 June 2010

Rockin' the single life

I keep thinking about this line, or rather this bit of a line, from Vahid's post last week:
Sometimes you’ve just about given up and you console yourself with, “You know, this single thing ain’t as bad as all that, I can totally rock this for the next twenty years or so,” ...
Being single doesn't bother me, but the feeling that I'm not actually rockin' the single life does. There's a media-soused vision of the life I want in my head, but it's not practical for me. I'm not going to regularly get together with a few friends for a drink or coffee because I don't like the taste of coffee or most alcohol.

You could drink something else.

I've been the person at the bar who doesn't drink. I prefer not to be everyone's assumed designated-driver. Also, being around drunk people? A mix of dull and awkward. Or if they're not drunk, someone often manages to comment, "You're a cheap date." Tired of hearing that. Some of it's my stuff, some of it's their stuff, but it's not what I think of as a good time.

Makes a coffee shop seem more promising but I don't even like the smell of it anymore. Not sure what happened. I used to like it as a kid, but now it kind of makes me feel ill.

So do something else. Not everything has to be about beverages or food.

True enough. It's just... well... I don't know anyone I want to hang out with here. My favorite buds are hundreds or thousands of miles away. And I like being home. Of two local contenders, 1 turned out to be a thief whose actions I would bet money were the cause of a lot of stress I experienced months previously, and the other's interest became clear that it was financially motivated. On the upside, I supposed I did discover these things before becoming invested in these people, but it also makes me feel like seeking new friends out (much like new relationships) is not worth the bother.

Part of me wants local friends and someone to share my life with, but most of me likes feeling safe. Living drama-free. Not being let down yet again. Standing up for myself even if it's alone.

You're overreacting, I'm sure many of my old friends would say. But my life is much more peaceful without most of them. Not because they're crazy (mostly), but because they make me crazy: needy and over-sensitive. Blind Loyalty, I think I'm finally over you.

That was my Achilles' heel as a shy person. Anyone I felt I really connected with had me as a staunch ally. Even when they no longer deserved it. Not anymore. mostly.

Now it's that I like being a hermit too much. You know, this recluse thing ain’t as bad as all that, I can totally rock this for the next twenty years or so.


A year ago on TTaT: 20 self portraits from 1996, day 20, ii; A loser with perfect eyebrows (ha! maybe these are yearly musings.)

4 comments :

  1. People are difficult. Relationships take work. I often wonder how we ever make friends or fall in love given how complicated communicating with other humans can be. And yet, we do. Because connecting with other people makes our lives richer and gives us new ways of seeing and knowing ourselves. It can be comfortable to be alone because there is no risk of being hurt or let down that way (I've done that) but having friendships/relationships where you actually spend time with them in the world is one of life's greatest gifts. (You know this, I am sure.)

    It's hard when you don't drink coffee or alcohol (I've been there!). It's amazing how much socializing happens around those two things. Maybe restaurants are better? Book clubs? Volunteering? Those types of activities where alcohol/coffee is not the center of it?

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  2. "I often wonder how we ever make friends or fall in love given how complicated communicating with other humans can be."

    I think a lot of people are motivated by the fear of being alone. Also, lots of people are extroverts, genuinely energized by being around people.

    "having friendships/relationships where you actually spend time with them in the world is one of life's greatest gifts."

    It is with the right people. I've had pockets of that, but sometimes when the relationships change... it can suck the life, or perhaps it's the confidence, out of you.

    I appreciate the suggestions. They're just difficult to pursue because I find meeting people physically draining, even when it's going well. Doesn't help with the motivation.

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  3. I was going to second Sizzle's book club suggestion, but I think I remember you saying something about how the point of reading, for you, was that other people weren't involved. (Was that you?)

    But if you're rocking the recluse thing, keep rocking it. Maybe not for the next twenty years, but until the payoff of meeting people becomes worth the pain. You'll know when it does.

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  4. lol, I don't think I specifically said that about reading, but I do kind of think that. Mostly I like to read whatever I feel like. I scanned the library's book group reading list a week or two ago and I swear it was nearly all books I had to read in high school. Books I did not enjoy per se. So, not so much with that group in any case.

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