10 September 2008

Damn

I'd been keeping my dark side well in check until my friend who's never depressed told me he was depressed (and in Paris). It's not his fault, a mere catalyst to my hair-trigger depression come this time of year. Just look at my post from last year, to the very day. Here I am again, compelled to write.

But what? It's the same story over and over again. My stubbornness prevents it from changing.

Ambivalence: the paths to potentially fulfilling ...whatever... all are paved with that which I dislike or loathe to varying degrees. Though this pre-birthday depression belies the idea of my current life as perfection, parsed it contains many elements I want which would be hard for me to achieve otherwise.

Is the occasional bout with depression worth the upheaval required for significant change? The past few years--bolstered by a lifetime of existentialism-- say no, and yet I know that I'm capable of so much more. Still, there's naught I want so much that would make me willing to force myself to extroversion. Networking, promoting myself, writing calculated cover letters: so very draining.

Temporary, you say.

True, but my introversion runs deep. There's always phone calls and bargaining and arrangements to be made.

Excuses.

Perhaps. However, without a single, driving passion, I've no compelling motivation to tackle the obstacles.

How could you? You're depressed.

Right. Catch-22.


A year ago on TTaT: Defining Hell and The List

6 comments :

  1. Wouldn't it be great if all introverts could receive free personal assistants to manage the public part of their lives through, like, the Americans With Social Disabilities Act? I would be first in line. And I would of course not talk to anyone else who was in line with me.

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  2. Good lord, the striking-up-conversations-while-in-line is a whole realm beyond my understanding for the most part.

    I would LOVE a free personal assistant although I'd take issue with introversion as disability or disorder. (Here comes the stubborn... ;) Too much emphasis is put on extroversion as being a 'right' or 'better' way of being. I'm not sure what the alternative would be/how it would work, but more balance would be nice.

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  3. Hope things look up soon. I am kind of introverted too, but I am also a teacher and, as such, I have to reach out to my students. I am not great at a cocktail party, though.

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  4. i used to think i was introverted, but now i know i'm just REALLY selective. i would never strike up a waiting in line conversation UNLESS it was, say, eddie vedder or kirsty gunn or you know, someone just super fascinating. um, or if i were drinking heavily. and then i am SUPERVERTED.

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  5. Hmm. I did always wonder why I've kept your blog around in my reading list for so long. Now I know. We are cut from the same cloth. Only I'm picking up my new prescriptions today. I would much rather be sitting on a sofa on opposite ends from you, legs outstretched and reading an amusing book.

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  6. elisabeth: thanks. It's funny cuz teaching has come up a couple of times for me... I'm good at explaining things, even TA'd/taught in grad school... but the standing up in front of people day after day... not rewarding enough to balance out the draining aspect for me. I'd probably do better at the cocktail party.

    /brandon\: I like superverted. There's truth to what you say: I'm not always introverted, sometimes my suave alter ego comes out to play (but then how am I not myself?), and sometimes I just don't like anybody so putting myself out there doesn't seem worth the effort. Definitely selective. ;)

    the patient: thanks for reading all this time. good luck with the meds, I know several people for whom they've done worlds of good. I'm reading "The Hakawati" now which is pretty good... more thoughts on it soon, I think.

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