20 self portraits from 1996, day 17

(Previous days: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

Day 17:
September 2, 1996
(Click to embiggen.)
That comforter is on my bed right now. It's reversible, woo! A couple years ago, I felt desperate for a new one just to have something different; I looked for ages without seeing anything I really liked for under a hundred bucks and nothing I loved for over that price. Then the economy tanked, and I realized I didn't actually need a new comforter and that there were so many other things I'd rather spend 100-150 bucks on.

The wood crate is from Vassar. I still have three. One is next to me right now as an extension of my desk. The day I saw a mover pick up one of these packed-to-the-gills crates all by himself (it was so heavy, I could barely nudge it along the floor), I was in awe of his strength.

The painting above the bed, Left Side of a Triptych With Skull, is my creation. Yes, I like O'Keeffe. Why do you ask? ;)

I wish I knew where in storage the Lartigue photos next to the painting are. The top is one of my all time favorites.

Under the bed, cans of film, of course.

And we've already covered Lois & Clark.

The rug I took with me to LA. I sold it when I decided to pick up and move cross country in about the space of a week. An Hispanic guy in a pickup truck tried to low-ball my already cheap price; I refused. Not long after, an Asian-American guy (Hawaiian/Polynesian, maybe?) walking along the sidewalk stopped by to check out what was left of my tag sale. He examined the rug carefully, holding it up to sniff it which wouldn't have occurred to me but seemed smart if you were going to buy a rug off someone's driveway.

"Why are you selling it for so cheap?" he asked.

I should've priced it higher. At least, I didn't cave to that guy in the pickup truck. "I'm leaving town in a few days."

"Temporarily, or moving?"

"Moving. I think I've had enough of this place."

He nodded and gave me a knowing look, as though he'd seen this before. I'm sure he had. He said, "Good luck. Have a nice life," and paid my asking price for the rug. I helped him roll it up, and he walked away carrying it over his shoulder.


Two years ago on TTaT: Cupola!

New Pushing Daisies episodes!

As I understand it, the show is still cancelled but ABC is airing the last episodes they shot but had not previously aired starting tomorrow night.

An online TV guide I checked said Saturday 5/30, on ABC from 10:00 PM - 11:00 PM. Also the next Saturday, 6/6, at the same time. And I think the one after that as well though it wasn't listed.

I set my DVR to record all so I don't forget. Enjoy!

Easy was a long time in the making

kilax left a comment on my last post about coming out to my brother that read: "You make it sound so easy ;)"

I get the playful ironic tone which she intended (at least that's what I perceived), but I felt it was important to trace some of the journey to that moment so as not to make light of it.

My reply (with a couple of minor revisions):
To be fair, it was about 16 years in the coming, and a lot has changed in that time. The closest thing to lesbians/bisexual women on TV back then was pretty much Xena. There's a lot more LGBT visibility now.

When I was in middle and high school, the worst things you could call someone were: dyke, queer, gay, lesbian. I didn't know that I was bi back then, nor did I get called those names, but the fear of ridicule was very strong. I just stayed under the radar as much as I could. It was a really small school, and I'd known most of those kids since kindergarten.

Even once I figured out I was bi at a very LGBT-supportive college, I was still gunshy about being out for fear of ridicule, financial reprisals in the case of family, or actual violence.

The film I made in grad school about a bisexual woman was the first time I was out to my peers and people I didn't even know, beyond friends. My family either didn't get it or chose to deny it, but everybody else who saw it then assumed I was gay. (Binary thinkers, that group.)

I convinced myself that I'd made a good faith effort to bring the topic up with my family, so coming out to them didn't really matter to me anymore. It fell under the "If you can't ask, you're not ready to hear the answer" realm of thinking.

No one really made the argument to me that visibility matters until I was watching the Brunch With Bridget vlogs recently.

When I wrote about coming out to my parents and brother over these past few weeks, it probably did come off as easy, perhaps even inconsequential. So far, nothing has changed in our relationships. However, my outlook has changed.

There's now no one who could hear about my sexuality via indirect channels that would matter to me. Everyone from high school or my small home town (where I currently reside)--who cares?


To all the LGBTQ youth who come out to their families as soon as they know: you are brave, awesome rockstars. I admire you. The world needs more of your courage, passion, and integrity.


A year ago on TTaT: In the Frame

Done and done.

Coming out to my bro was not on my agenda when I called him tonight to check up on him/keep him some virtual company. It really wasn't when I heard how groggy he was since I woke him up.

But then we were talking about Doctor Who which lead to Torchwood whose lead actor John Barrowman is openly gay. My brother was telling me about a documentary Barrowman was in where he had an fMRI and other tests which scientists are using to try to determine if homosexuality is a nature or nurture trait, to learn its causes, etc. (Barrowman feels his sexuality has always been a part of him but the tests weren't conclusive. E.g., he doesn't have the "gay gene." None of the results conveyed that he should be straight, however.) This is my opening, I thought to myself.

Without pause, my brother segued into Barrowman's Scottish parents and American upbringing, his Broadway appearances, and then other scifi related topics.

It was too good an opportunity to pass up though, so I brought the conversation back around so that I could say, "I'm bi, and I know a lot of people who are bi or gay, and a lot of them would say it's innate. It's an interesting topic."

"Yeah, there's the whole testosterone level thing too. I fell asleep, so I didn't see the whole thing."

Coming out to family members in casual conversation: now that's how it ought to be done.

Once more into the fray

So I stopped by today. She was chatting with her mailman--Steve, because she uses people's names.

Since she greeted me by name, Steve said, "Hi, Claire."

When he left to resume his route, Carrie said, "Say, 'Bye, Steve,'" so her toddler and I both called out, "Bye, Steve," after him. She laughed.

As she took things inside from the porch to close up, we had a conversation that for once was not just a series of sporadic snippets. This made it significantly easier for me to think and talk. In the flow of it, she casually mentioned her husband. I was relieved because it meant I no longer had to mull over the possibility of dating someone with kids. [Also, the tight jeans can go back in the closet. If not for Chala, I wouldn't even own a pair. Must confess Paper, Denim, Cloth is pretty comfy as long as you keep your pockets empty.]

Turns out we've both lived in CA before, having various opinions on its coastal towns and cities. When I said I prefer LA to SF, she looked stunned and said, "I don't know if we can be friends now."

I drew out an "Aw" to show that I hoped she wasn't serious. Then we compared notes on other CA towns.

She needed to finish closing so she could pick up her older daughter, but she said, "Will you come back tomorrow? I just got some cool new stuff in."

I looked at her for a moment and then said, "I'll try."

I meant it.

This outcome may seem anticlimactic, but I was proud of myself for following it through. For a time, I was able to tap into the self-possessed version of Claire I aspire to, not by pretending to be someone else but by letting that which usually makes me uncomfortable just be without judgment. If I can manage to hang onto that, there might be some great things ahead.

20 self portraits from 1996, day 16

(Previous days: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

Day 16:
September 1, 1996
The soft focus was intentional for art, yo.

And yes, that is a skirt as unlikely as it may seem.


A year ago on TTaT: Juicy Fruit: the survivalist's gum; Not just for geeks, really

20 self portraits from 1996, day 15

(Previous days: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

Day 15:
August 31, 1996
(Click to embiggen.)
Yes, I'm holding a drill and my socks are too high. I'm standing by a coat/hat rack I designed and built.


A year ago on TTaT: I continue to loathe health insurance