10 January 2007

Decisions and anti-decisions

Why does doing what's best for yourself always seem so hard? I'm making bad decisions, or rather my indecision/refusal to choose is a bad decision. It's so easy to just say I'm waiting until I figure things out, and it's a near total cop-out.

I felt like I was ready for change around my birthday a few months ago, but it didn't take that long for the status quo to become comfortable again. That's the catch: it is comfortable, easy even, and any of the changes I should make won't be. It's hard to embrace struggle when it will leave me with less than I have now. I need to figure out what I'd gain from the change. Until that becomes specific and real to me, and outweighs the hassle of struggle, outweighs my life now, I don't see myself making it happen. (Unless by whim, I make one large change which instigates a cascade of changes; it's been known to happen on occasion.)

Inertia coupled with anxiety- don't forget the existentialism!- is capable of powerful constraint. Just writing about it makes me feel a bit sick.

When I was a kid, I never really considered what my life would be like beyond college, but I did presume that I'd have more answers than questions by now, that things would sort themselves out. I suppose I still want that to be true, but I need to get on with sorting it out myself.

One year ago at TTaT: Mom reinterprets a classic
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  1. When in doubt, I turn to the wise words of Stephen Sondheim. From Into the Woods:

    He's a very smart Prince,
    He's a Prince who prepares.
    Knowing this time I'd run from him,
    He spread pitch on the stairs.
    I was caught unawares.
    And I thought: well, he cares-
    This is more than just malice.
    Better stop and take stock
    While you're standing here stuck
    On the steps of the palace.

    You think, what do you want?
    You think, make a decision.
    Why not stay and be caught?
    You think, well, it's a thought,
    What would be his response?
    But then what if he knew
    Who you were when you know
    That you're not what he thinks
    That he wants?

    And then what if you are?
    What a Prince would envision?
    Although how can you know
    Who you are till you know
    What you want, which you don't?
    So then which do you pick:
    Where you're safe, out of sight,
    And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
    Or where everything's right
    And you know that you'll never belong?

    And whichever you pick,
    Do it quick,
    'Cause you're starting to stick
    To the steps of the palace.

  2. lol, that's good. I saw the show on Broadway during a class trip in high school. I always remembered the prince who was "charming, not sincere." My friends and I all agreed it fit one guy from our class perfectly. ;)