I've had it

When I was five, I announced to my family with great conviction, "I'm never getting married!" This is possibly the best pronouncement I ever made if all those tv mothers and their badgering can be believed because my family has never hassled me about it.

My mom perceived it as a five year old's way of saying she didn't want to be like her mother. I don't know if that's what I was thinking then, but since it's true in some respects now, I don't argue the point.

However, when I was in college, everything changed.

The thoughts are there, but I feel reluctant to type. It's so much easier to be righteous when you're not talking about yourself. It doesn't seem like that should be the case, and yet for myself I find that it is. What once felt like standing up for what was right still feels that way, but it also feels vulnerable.

Anyway...

Despite my conviction when I was five, I became engaged when I was a senior in college. Nothing so strange about that except that it was to a woman. We had matching rings-- puzzle rings, should've known that was a portent-- but otherwise it was a quiet, amorphous thing which we didn't even tell our parents. To us it signified a deeper commitment, but there was never a date, never a concreteness to it. In our case, this was a good thing because things fell apart six months later; but I find myself thinking that if it'd been more official, I might've seen it more clearly and gotten out of it sooner.

Actually that wasn't the first time I considered marriage now that I'm thinking about it. I was on vacation with my family in Rhode Island during a break from high school. We drove past a handsome young man on the sidewalk wearing a long black coat with thick, black, wavy hair. "I'm going to marry him," I thought to myself, watching him until we turned a corner. Alas, I've not seen him since.

In the past few years, many of my friends have gotten hitched, and I confess I find it disconcerting at a time in my life when I don't see myself ever getting married. Some of these friends are also bi, but they've all married men. As happy for them as I am, a small part of me finds their perceivably hetero marriages convenient. Their families can sigh in relief, "It was just a phase, afterall," as they throw their daughters the big traditional bash.

Not too long ago at Everyday Goddess, I read Liz's post on marriage, or rather on not getting married even though she's straight and possible spouse gender is a non-issue for her. I was really impressed by it because it hadn't occurred to me that someone who definitely won't be personally affected by same-sex marriage bans might be willing to give up her right to marry in order to emphasize her support for a same sex couple's right to marry. I think that's pretty damn cool.

All of the political ruckus has added to my sense that marriage is something of which I don't want any part, and yet, I still jot down tunes every now and then to add to my wedding playlist. I may never have occasion to use it, but if I do, I can rest easy knowing that I won't be stuck with "Why do fools fall in love" for the first dance because I didn't have time to think about it; I'll have music that inspires me to sing and dance.

Maybe things will be better in five years.

One year ago at TTaT: Rare Fortune
tags: same+sex+marriage, marriage, weddings