I want to be awesome

(Its corollary: I want to be an asshole.)

Last week during the 25 degrees over normal heat wave, I busted out a shirt I don't often wear. It is the lowest cut, most form fitting shirt that I own. If not for Chala, I doubt I ever would have bought it. She owned it first, and I thought it was very cool. When we were out browsing Marshall's one day, I saw it and asked if she'd mind if I got it. "Not at all. You should get it," she said, because she's awesome like that.

When I was wearing the shirt last week, I felt like I looked like my age which flavored my interactions with people. The confidence of that persona I call my alter ego even though it's not an accurate term for it. It's aspects of the person I want to be that slip through from time to time. Sometimes just standing up straight can trigger the attitude shift.

Being that person is not that hard if I'm just out doing errands that don't require a lot of interaction. Where my suave alter ego falls apart is interviews, large social events, and meeting new people. Fuck, town meeting's tomorrow, I think--that'd be another one. Confronted with natural extroverts, my alter ego slips away.

I'm not a total mess of shyness--if I know how I fit within a group or situation, I'm fine--but it does sometimes get the better of me. Becoming an extrovert isn't something I aspire to, but the confidence and ease around people of it--that's something I wish I had.

I felt good when I got home, like I'd experienced a little What Not to Wear transformation (UK version!). V-necks, that's a change I could make. I took some photos, but seeing them I started rethinking all of it. Generally, I dress loose, like somebody who used to weigh a lot more who hasn't changed her wardrobe, or in my case is self-conscious.

In the photos, my body looked huge to me. OK, not huge, that's hyperbole, but it did appear larger to me than my internalized perception of it. I don't know what to do with that. If I do add more v-necks and girly shirts to my wardrobe, I'm going to need more sunscreen.

I look like a fucking vampire.

Since I picked the most flattering shot, my mental machinations likely seem out of whack, but the point is it's in my head. If I were on How to Look Good Naked, I'd pick a person skinnier than me. Sounds good in theory perhaps, but it makes reality a little unsettling.