A year and some days

"I think you're hiding out here... and I don't think you should."

My cheeks started to burn, suddenly and uncontrollably. She's going to pressure me to find somewhere else to live, I thought to myself apprehensively. The next few things she said put me at ease; she asked me a question somewhere in there as well, but I was unable to answer. To speak would break my concentration on the pork fried rice and let untempered emotion usurp my calm facade.

We'd been talking about generational expectations. In her time, women got education as a contingency plan, in case their husbands got injured and were unable to work. In my time, a great deal more is possible and we are expected to take advantage of it all. The broader notion "Success" has overtaken home life and family raising.

Yes, I do feel the weight of that notion even though I'm not much interested in achieving that sort of success. I expect more from myself because it seems possible. Many things are possible, I'm just unwilling to compromise or settle for most of it.

A year has gone by and nothing significant has changed for me except that I've spent a year somewhere else. Always somewhere else. The next place is where I'll figure things out.

In this place, I have at least learned to identify the following in recent months: vinca, osteospermum, Grandpa Ott (morning glory), Bela Lugosi (daylily), trillium, primrose, hosta, bee balm, coreopsis, violet, petunia, coxcomb, verbena, impatien, polka dot, and sweet potato vine. Of course, I might not recognize them all in other settings. That's the real trick.

And still, I hide out. From myself mostly. But it doesn't feel like hiding because there's not much I want.

Off-kilter

Last night, I was actually looking forward to working out today. I was going to get back on the bike, watch Ellen start the new season; it was going to feel good to put the body in motion even if I didn't push it too hard. But now with tennis and Jerry Lewis, Ellen isn't airing today, and I feel the cold hand of the kibosh on my motivation. I should find something else to watch on this tv marathon-laden Labor Day and do it anyway, but I'm just not feeling it. I hadn't anticipated how much watching Ellen was going to factor as my reward for the effort. Tomorrow then.

As for today, perhaps a meander outside.

**Later**
I did go for a short walk and during it the source of my previous anticipation became clear: I had sense-memoried an endorphin rush. Now if I can just remind myself that reliving one as the fruits of actual exercise would be better for me than just imagining one...

tip of the week- matching donations

If you haven't donated yet but are planning to, here's a couple ways to double your donation's value:

Warner Bros. will match your donation to the Red Cross if you start at this link on The Ellen DeGeneres Show webpage. From the site: "Warner Bros. Entertainment is donating $500,000 and will match your contributions up to another $500,000."

Wil Wheaton is hosting poker tournaments at PokerStars to raise money for hurricane relief. PokerStars will match the buy-ins 100% and donate the proceeds to the American Red Cross. For more info on prizes, dates, and times, check with Wil's blog and PokerStars. (I think you need to sign in to get the detailed registration and donation info at PokerStars.)

If you've already donated what you can monetarily, you can still provide support by clicking once a day at The Hunger Site. Corporate sponsors donate based on clicks received. One free click from you provides 1.1 cups of food. The site is up year-round, but currently the food is going to help victims of Hurricane Katrina. [Note: the site only registers one click per day from each computer/ISP.]

Trivial in comparison

With everything going on, I know this is trivial, but I am sick at heart because I believe my negatives have been lost in the mail. I sent two strips to have two 12"x18" enlargements made to a place whose work I trust. They always promptly email when they receive something and then email again when the order is being shipped. No word on receipt and it's long overdue.

Yes, I have the 4"x6" prints and even low-res scans of the photos, but it's not the same; besides, I'd need a much better scanner to get a print that looked good enlarged that much. Also, it's not just two photos, but the negatives for 8 that are lost to me. Worse yet, it feels like some cruel sign. I've had 8"x10"s made now and then, but I wanted to see if something Large would inspire some direction in me.

Though I've had various jobs in my life and am currently unemployed, I'm searching... searching for something more than office work to commit my talents to. Despite the weight of my career indecision, I know that my writing and my photography are the closest manifestion of a life's work that I have. To lose any part of it is a gut punch and spit in the eye from the Universe.

Nagging at me all the more is that I was hesitant to mail them. I packed them well, handed them directly to someone at the post office, and yet my intuition repeatedly told me it was a bad idea from the beginning. I can't say I didn't listen to it, I did. I weighed the options and decided to take the risk. It just appears that my luck has taken a sour turn. I just hope my negatives find their way back to me eventually.


*UPDATE* 9/13/05 Well my negatives did finally reach their destination in Seattle. Hopefully it won't take another 3 weeks for them to return to me. In any case, I'm relieved and will be much more so when they're back in my hands.

After the flood came fire

Pleas for aid, disaster coverage, and criticism of response efforts have been dominating news and blogs alike for days now. I am not indifferent to it. My outrage and anger is giving way to despair today, particularly as I read the international coverage. We should've done better.

Something my mom said yesterday keeps resurfacing though. The logistics would be difficult and would require the dedication of resources, personnel, money, as well as that of the survivors left with nothing; in short, it has all the characteristics of a Big Idea. It could be an opportunity to eliminate (greatly reduce) poverty in that area. Provide job training for the residents who've lost everything and don't have the skills or education to make a decent living. Actually, do that whether they lost their homes or not. This disaster could be the clean slate that emboldens poverty stricken people to take challenging strides forward if they're given the opportunity and help to do so.

For it to work, there have to be jobs available after the training. There's also the question of what to train them for. I would not want to see the government use this opportunity to promise job training and college tuition only by way of joining the military, so businesses would have to step up. Construction, engineering, medical training all seem relevant choices.

I don't know who owns most of the land in New Orleans, but it seems unlikely they will rebuild the housing of the poorest sections so the poor can just move back in.

Maybe this is terribly naive considering evacuation and supplying shelter, food and water is still proving difficult (and obviously most important right now), but I felt compelled to put it out there. Maybe you're smarter than I am, or have connections, or resources, or know someone who does... if you're not actively working on the immediate problems of that region, give what comes next some thought. I think we would all benefit from more Big Ideas.

Progress and non-progress

Well, since I mentioned my intent to drink 24 oz. of milk a day, I've managed a grand total of about 30 oz. over three weeks, so that's been a total bust. A tall glass of milk as a chocolate chaser used to be just the thing, but no more. With cereal it's ok, but on its own, it just seems funky now.

The same thing happened when I came home from college on my first break. I didn't know what type of milk my Mom bought, so I started drinking 2% at school. After a few months of that, the full-fat milk my Mom stocked tasted rank. Maybe all these years of drinking water has biased my palette... or maybe I just need to eat richer chocolate.


On the progress front, the snake desensitization is going well. I still fully expect to yelp like a little girl and sprint away if I see one in the yard, but I'm not having strong physical stress reactions if I see one on tv. Though this is significant progress, I can't help but think I'm just adding more snake imagery to my phobia library when I don't look away. I suppose the point is to give that library another name, but I'm just not ready to throw snakes in with the rest of nature.

The fog is all internal

The wind keeps blowing today, but it does not dispel my drowsiness. Yesterday I noticed the leaves are already starting to turn.