21 May 2005

Troubling breaths

Rationally, it's just allergies and the cusp of a weather change that has slimmed my oxygen intake, and yet I feel something else hindering a peaceful intake of air: fear of change. A couple, no, now a few days ago I received an incredible proposal. It is simply the very help I could use to move and begin yet again, but I don't feel worthy of it. In addition, there is the sizable expense that it's likely I'd never be able to repay: how can one accept such an offer? If the offerer had (essentially) unlimited funds, then it would be a simple choice, but that's not the case. And yet what good am I doing here? Committing to anything here would mean postponing being where I think I'd like to be.

Clouds have covered the moon and my mind alike is in shadow. The moon at least peers out on occasion bright and clear through the trees. If only I had some career I wanted to pursue, something to hold my interest for at least a decade. If I make the move, I will likely take one of the office jobs I keep calling a waste of my time here, only I'd be in a place with possibly better social opportunities. Though I like the area as far as I've seen, I do not readily see any larger career I could pursue there. I know there's nothing much for me here, so that's knowing something. I need more specifics and then... then I need to make choices.

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